After a lengthy and courageous battle with cancer, my father’s long-time childhood friend Ralph recently passed away. Over his long and prosperous life, Ralph contributed significantly to his community and fostered multiple children with his wife of over 50 years. When I heard the sad news that Ralph had passed, I phoned my father to see how he was doing and to ask him to share my condolences with Ralph's family who was out east with him.
When I called, my father happened to be with Ruth, Ralph’s wife, and passed the phone over to her so I could share my condolences directly. I wasn’t prepared for how she would respond, and her reply profoundly impacted me; she gifted me a shift in perception that I’ll hold in my awareness for a long time.
“I am so sorry for your loss Ruth,” I said once I heard Ruth’s friendly greeting on the phone.
“What loss, my dear?” she asked me in reply. “Today, I have lost nothing but instead gained so much. Ralph no longer feels pain and has gained the ease he so lovingly deserves. I gained so much by having a full and wonderful life alongside him for all these years. We have all gained such comfort and peace now that he is no longer suffering.” My jaw dropped open as she responded with such joy in her voice.
She went on to list off everything Ralph, herself and everyone around her had gained on a day that could easily be perceived as one of the most difficult in her life.
In the space of grief, this uncommon perception knocked the wind out of me and left me utterly speechless. A day like this is often perceived as immense suffering and loss, but Ruth chose to see all she had gained, not lost. The perception did not negate her love for her husband of over 50 years and didn’t ease her grief or allow her suffering to be diminished. This perception of abundance gave her the strength to see this tough day through. It gifted her and others around her the gift of moving forward in the healing process instead of feeling stuck and overwhelmed by it.
I take this awareness with me as I navigate my scarcity mindset and the endless opportunities, I encounter that feed my ‘not enough’ story.
When I am reminded that summer is ending and ‘not enough’ warm days remain, I also think about the upcoming Fall season I am gaining and how excited I am for cooler weather and the beauty in the leaves changing colour.
When I think about my kids growing up too fast, I turn to gratitude for the little humans they are becoming and praise the qualities they have gained that only time passing could have granted them.
When commiserating with friends about another year gone, I shift instead into a space that remembers all of the wisdom, strength and courage I’ve gained as I gracefully age into another year. All of the adventures that still await me as I move forward and on with my life as we are meant to do.
It’s not wrong to sit in a ‘not enough’ perception; it’s just that I find nothing is gained from this space. I feel paralyzed, unhinged, disoriented and stuck when I focus too much on what I have lost. I prefer to remember my lesson from Ruth and shift my focus to all I have gained.
Lost the summer or gained the spectacular fall season? Lost time with my children or gained incredible new little humans that offer me so much joy now that they are older? Lost my youth or achieved so much wisdom that I cannot help but love and adore the skin I’m in now?
Focus on whatever you’d like, but just for a moment, sit in all you have gained and see how much better it feels.
